Me:  Yeah, when you're lactose intolerant you can't have milk, unless you take a dairy pill that helps you digest it
Student:  so you can't have goat's milk?
Me:  Nope
Student:  what about pigs milk?
Me:  Imma let you think about what you just said and get back to you

Student 1:  *Coughs*
Student 2:  OH NO, YOU BEST GET AWAY FROM ME, I'M A GERMOHOLIC
Me:  You mean germaphobe?
Student 2:  NAH I MEAN GERMOHOLIC, I HATE THEM THINGS

Me:  For history night you can dress up as any historical figure, but they must have been real.
Student:  So I can dress up as Willy Wonka?
Me:  No, he is fictional, we want non-fiction
Student:  Nah, he in a book he real.
Me:  Whatever you say...

Teacher:  So why did you get in the other boy's face and almost fight him?
Student: He called me a chicken nugget head.

Parent Chaperone Overhears-
Student: We should t-bag this Abe Lincoln Statue
Parent Chaperone [internally]:

Cowoker: (using a British Accent) I think I have a cold from the black mold, DIDLY PIP
Me:  Ummm what?
Coworker:  Yeah, that's something they say.

Student:  I'm going to call you Chowder.
Me:  Why?
Student:  Because you white like chowder